I went to the doctor and got the rest of my shots, hep a and b and am still taking my meds for staph infection, I am going to make a psych doctor appointment and get the rest of my health things in order, I have to see a nuerologist, because I have not done that since California. I am feeling so much better since I started living in reality, and not projecting my life into some strange fantasy where I feel so guilty about being a drug addict that I equate it to actually being the one responsible for hurting anyone. I did not realize till recently, how sad and messed up that is, and how it has ruined so many things for me, by my own self sabotage. I think I felt like being some violent social deviant was some how better than saying I was who I was because it made me feel like I had control over my life.

I have control over my life now without having to pretend I was hurting anyone. I was only hurting myself by putting all of that, the weight of all of that on my own shoulders, and making myself out to be some social deviant when I was just a sad addict who couldn’t handle admitting mistakes made because I felt that saying I messed up made me weak. Hurting people would not have made me strong. I am stronger admitting weakness, than living in some sick twisted Misery world where I hurt unsuspecting people who had nothing to do with my inability to accept myself.

I love all you guys who helped me see this. I am so sorry for anything I said out of lack of knowledge about what was really going on with me. I am trying to be better.

Love,

Damien

Advertisement

I cannot repeat this enough. It is helping me so much to be able to say the bi-polar **** I think, that is equivalent in character to man surfing in the ocean, but instead of waters it is my emotions. I am through analogy doing what I have never done with anyone before, tell the truth and instead of being alone and shouting onto a black screen in letters chiseled with hands that are aching to hold someones you have helped me learn to forgive myself for the feelings I have, and accepted me before I even accepted myself as who I am. I hated myself so much before the creation of this website, thinking I was an abhorrent creature not of fellow human being, but a ephemeral ghost of horror.

I wanted to scream at an unkind universe on this site, and you have completely changed my intention for this site, by showing one of the biggest displays of human kindness I have ever had my eyes opened enough to be able to see. I have come to know a power higher than myself through this site, thanks entirely to the messages sent to me during a period of time where I was truly suicidal and wanting nothing other than to end my ghost like existence with one more chaotic shout to a universe it was easier to blame then to look in the mirror.

I can look in the mirror for the first time in my entire life, and I owe that partially to all of you and partially to a power who I believe also spoke to me through you. Thank you for helping me realize that human beings can be kind, I had no idea, because I was unkind myself. You have moved me to a place of kindness that I had within me, that I did not even know was there. I still flash back and forth, always will, I am bipolar and prone to delusion, and you accept me, that blows my mind.

I thank you for continuously ever day helping me be a better person.

Damien.