I am slowly learning that everyone is not out to get me. I still have residual feelings that they are following the whole Rei situation. That whole thing made me feel like I was worthless and no one would ever even want to talk to me again, let alone befriend me or be my partner. I feel like he was trying to clip my wings, at first to keep me with him and then to keep me away from him.
I am trying to discover who I am now and I really need your help with this one. I am afraid, scared that I am worthless or less than, and that because of this my life will be a life full of pain. I think this comes from not being able to trust you yet. I am struggling a lot with this. I don’t know you enough, or what I feel is enough to be able to trust you. I have been hurt by so many people and had my hopes and dreams shattered and find trusting anything or anyone extremely hard.
There is a part of me that really misses homelessness. I think I have mentioned this to you before. It does not come from a position of ungratefulness. I liked certain things about that lifestyle that I have a hard time feeling now. I miss the comradery of the streets, the feeling that we all had one thing in common, and that we had each other’s backs no matter what. I know I lost that feeling at the end of the whole experience, which lead me to where I sit now, typing to you on a screen.
I really appreciated hearing that my friend got something from hearing my story. That mean the world to me. It really touched me that something positive could come from everything I went through. I sometimes feel like I built a bridge to nowhere. It is not because I don’t appreciate the things I have now, it is more that I feel alone a lot, in a way that I only felt out there at the very end. More than anything I want an antidote to that feeling, and AA is the only thing that comes close to medicating that feeling. Out of all things in my life, I want to find a solution that helps make that feeling occur less frequently, for now AA is the best solution I have got.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen
Herder of Swine 
2 responses to “Dear God,”
Listen man u just took the words right out of my mouth. I get emails from this place all the time and never once read them until now. I am currently going thru a relapse and am homeless yet again. This touched my soul to the core. I need to hit a meeting…
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Thank you! I am glad you found it touching. I have homeless a couple of times, overall a couple of years. I just got back from a meeting. It was a good one, about the universe, or a higher power putting people just where they should be. It gave me peace, because I am very good at really dwelling on everything I have ever done wrong. I am learning, albeit very slowly, to have faith that everything will eventually be alright, or that things have a way of progressing towards something better. In your case, if you are facing hard times today, that with every day that passes you get closer to better times because things are always changing and can’t stay bad forever.
I hope I helped. You can write me anytime, it may take me a couple days to answer, but I always will. I have been where you are and things will get better.
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