I am slowly learning that everyone is not out to get me. I still have residual feelings that they are following the whole Rei situation. That whole thing made me feel like I was worthless and no one would ever even want to talk to me again, let alone befriend me or be my partner. I feel like he was trying to clip my wings, at first to keep me with him and then to keep me away from him.
I am trying to discover who I am now and I really need your help with this one. I am afraid, scared that I am worthless or less than, and that because of this my life will be a life full of pain. I think this comes from not being able to trust you yet. I am struggling a lot with this. I don’t know you enough, or what I feel is enough to be able to trust you. I have been hurt by so many people and had my hopes and dreams shattered and find trusting anything or anyone extremely hard.
There is a part of me that really misses homelessness. I think I have mentioned this to you before. It does not come from a position of ungratefulness. I liked certain things about that lifestyle that I have a hard time feeling now. I miss the comradery of the streets, the feeling that we all had one thing in common, and that we had each other’s backs no matter what. I know I lost that feeling at the end of the whole experience, which lead me to where I sit now, typing to you on a screen.
I really appreciated hearing that my friend got something from hearing my story. That mean the world to me. It really touched me that something positive could come from everything I went through. I sometimes feel like I built a bridge to nowhere. It is not because I don’t appreciate the things I have now, it is more that I feel alone a lot, in a way that I only felt out there at the very end. More than anything I want an antidote to that feeling, and AA is the only thing that comes close to medicating that feeling. Out of all things in my life, I want to find a solution that helps make that feeling occur less frequently, for now AA is the best solution I have got.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen