Ego stroking and addiction horror stories
“That is why it is so much easier this time. I can’t romance death anymore, because now it is just me and Amanda and all our other friends are dead or insane, or in prison. Done. ”
— Damien de Soto
Smith covered this, and his version sounds like a love song to alcohol.
“I’m so sorry-love, Elliott God forgive me.“
— Elliot Smith
“I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.”
— Kurt Kobain
I am the internal infernal ever burning battle a human being who continuously lights themselves on fire, a funeral pyre to a generation addicted to trash, who shoved cash up there
Enter the simulated rage cage…. a simulation done as a meditation on the ideas that cause human pain, as a removal tool.
See Clearly
Who sadly, tragically had no plan because he put his silly weak skin covered hand in the fist of sin. I am the desire to give in. I am the trimming claws of cat sent feral at you. I am failure in everything you do. I am the spinning sensation at bent knee. I am the sensation of screaming into night ‘this cannot be!’
I am please don’t push I cannot stand. I am the cry of those who scream in night, not in fright but in sick delight at the decaying of man with outstretched arm. I am please sir, give harm. I am death’s charm.
I am your shoe, sticking on gum, I am please baby come
To me as speak sweetly and stay
I am dismay.
See Clearly
a simulated experience of the horrors of addiction, image and written sound
“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
Nietzche
“I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world.”
Albert Camus, The Stranger
I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.
Franz Kafka, Metamorphosis
So I guess my positive re-enforcement… dang I’s… I spell so many things wrong because I use I instead of E. I, I, I…. what was my oh.. yeah…. I guess Amanda got what I was saying because she made this. I like it. I have bigger hands this time, sweet.
We can’t both be butterflies, you can be girl or guy or whatever you want, and I can be your friend forever, because I love you. I am not the ones who hurt you. I just sound like that sometimes because I am a guy with a bad sense of humor.
I am so happy I remembered parts of that right now, not just for the ego points, but it means something to me. I think I am in the process of becoming a person instead of the monster under Amanda’s bed which means the instead of chasing dragons, Amanda can be me because I am not a drug or a dragon anymore.
“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”
Nietzsche
You cry in the pain of disdain for your own soul.
If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it.
Willy Wonka
Prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish, and someday, you will be a real boy.
Pinocchio
I didn’t mean to kill her. Really, I didn’t. It’s just that he was on fire.
Dorothy, The Wizard of Oz
All children, except one, grow up.
Peter Pan
My character naming style is strange based in a belief that humans are representations of heritage, learned experience and personal choice, I name them to indicate who they represent in the story.
These guys are great, wish Peterson had lived.
Have you ever doubted your own reality?
Have you ever wondered if someone or something was driving your pain?
Have you ever wondered what it all means?
Enter
I am the split of two souls at war and in love with each other, they are dancing dragons in shades not colors, I am the hallucinations of the deranged man. I am whatever you want me to be, I am the memory of everything that ever caused feeling in the screaming corners of nothing, I am the faceless screaming nothing face of the fallen burning with hatred and love in the smokey fire chasm that is the decaying city of man. I am a walking sorted of disordered chaos. I am Damien de Soto and Ms. Rei, and the voice of misery.
Misery is a realm of earth, which is my metaphor for the hellish life of addiction which I wrote out to spare myself eternal damnation.
Ms. Re is also Rei’s name, without the I and the y, why because I removed them, as a simulator of misery experienced by the man and woman who die while using/drinking.
Misery is a virus as well, my metaphor for addiction, which causes you to repeatedly be guilty of committing the Christian deadly 7.
Ms. Re also is a weird spell of miss remember, which is supposed to illustrate the blindness addicts experience when they can’t see clearly.
Misery-written simulation brought to you here through my writing which will help you see clearly through the eyes of the addicts, the homeless, and social deviants of society as they investigate the true nature of human beings in order to facilitate their survival.
I am sorry for my unorthodox approach, it is the only way I know to show you clearly what so often goes unseen in this world, although this is a work of fiction it is based on real evil I have seen as an addict and now meditate on while in recovery.
I aim to show this to the anyone who is listening to bring about understanding of those who so often go unheard on every street corner in every desperate place populated by those unfortunate enough to have gotten a raw deal in life.
Author: Amanda, I am not using my last name, because I want to retain some level of anonymity online.
More to be revealed as we go. Enjoy the ride.
Rei Clearly
Joy
Damien de Soto/Amanda
Diane
Misery or addiction
Method
This site utilizes first person perspective narration done through blog posts which are posted under pen names which are representative of fictional characters in the scifi universe, Misery. Misery is an alternate dimension of earth that is accessed through use of mind altering substances, and experience of extreme human suffering.
More to be revealed soon.
Hopefully this clears things up.
Three Book Series
See Clearly
Just in Time
(TBD)
See Clearly is available for free in the blog, in its entirety. Feel free to browse around.
I will be publishing Just in Time now as well, using the same method.
I have been struggling all day with feelings of extreme envy, not wanting what others have, as much as wanting their level of success, but in different areas. I don’t know how to handle this. It feels like I am an open wound bleeding over past injuries that I inflicted on myself. The only thing… Read more
How’s it going? Overcome with hard to control OCD, how about you? Same, because I am you. I wonder if things will ever be better than this. Bob says they will. Do you believe him? I am not sure. Read more
That is all.
She was mean, she was green, she was envy She was callous, she was cruel, she cutting I was petty, I was mean, I was callous, I was cruel, I was heartless. There is no victim, only addicts fighting about who screwed who over more.
I am not sure if anyone needs to know that, but I like talking to the screen, better than muttering to myself and freaking out my family. Damien/Amanda
Where do you go when it’s dark? Do you go to the land of the stark And light stricken chaotic dimension of pain? Do you meditate on disdain? Do you cry of the life lived in vain? I did once too, I cried just like you. I walked with eyes shut, and mind off, and…
We always had terriers when I was growing up and I have a soft spot for this breed. This west highland terrier was enjoying the park as much as we were. A FINE DAY OUT — BELINDA GROVER PHOTOGRAPHY You keep me going, reminding me of things I love more than substances I hate. I want…
This means I actually deserve to pick up the scattered road kill, that is my soul, dust it off and put it back together. I can’t believe this… I thought I would have failed by now.
I am a reborn bird, not a phoenix but a heron. I have been reborn that way, due to the death of my I or eyes that previously only saw in blurry psycho vision inspired by drugs and only drugs.
I am at peace, right now, with myself, and with the universe, that is all.
You know I don’t like when you talk to me like that. Don’t you? No, no I don’t. I know, I know, I am sorry, please talk to me. Okay, what? How are you? I am getting better, I think, I am still crippled by loneliness, and want desperately for my life to change, but…
What’s your favorite word? I blend with night, I blend out of day, I blend so much I fade away. A way not away for place or path, where you will find a happy calf. I mean a cow, I mean my leg. I mean someone who lives on the dregs of society, where it…
Don’t you know you drive me crazy? Oh, so trite, so overused, so much like YOU. I am so sorry, that is rude, not so good at knowing what to say, or saying anything at all. So distorted, contorted, heaven sorted, or maybe Hell, oh, it’s just as well.
I knew you once, no that’s a lie, and now my dear, don’t start to cry, it is just a trick of human eye, that makes you constantly question why, life has to be so very hard, and quite frankly, it has left me scarred and scared, that what I mean to say, on this…
Creature of darkness, creature of light, creature of shade lit by fire at night, beautiful woman who sits with a hat, you are divine, with eyelashes that bat, with long flowing hair, and shape that’s divine, your beauty so great it blows my **** mind. I sit and listen, while you talk of your pain,…
I am not doing so hot, I am really lonely. Is that why you are writing to me? Insulted? Kind of. I would be too. I know because I am just writing to myself on the internet.
I hate your name, hate your face, want more distance, am dissed and want to untrace, the steps I have walked on a path that is winding, a miserable existence, that mind is entwined in. I want to get out, want to run away, thinking of you makes me want to remove my eyes from…
How do I do what comes natural? How do I answer while not good at the factual? I have a hard time relaxing. Life is taxing. SENSE How do you relax? I am a bird with legs and wings who is well-versed in the act of DE Nile I am a creature of Egypt, I…
That is all.
She was mean, she was green, she was envy She was callous, she was cruel, she cutting I was petty, I was mean, I was callous, I was cruel, I was heartless. There is no victim, only addicts fighting about who screwed who over more.
I am not sure if anyone needs to know that, but I like talking to the screen, better than muttering to myself and freaking out my family. Damien/Amanda
Where do you go when it’s dark? Do you go to the land of the stark And light stricken chaotic dimension of pain? Do you meditate on disdain? Do you cry of the life lived in vain? I did once too, I cried just like you. I walked with eyes shut, and mind off, and…
We always had terriers when I was growing up and I have a soft spot for this breed. This west highland terrier was enjoying the park as much as we were. A FINE DAY OUT — BELINDA GROVER PHOTOGRAPHY You keep me going, reminding me of things I love more than substances I hate. I want…
This means I actually deserve to pick up the scattered road kill, that is my soul, dust it off and put it back together. I can’t believe this… I thought I would have failed by now.
I am a reborn bird, not a phoenix but a heron. I have been reborn that way, due to the death of my I or eyes that previously only saw in blurry psycho vision inspired by drugs and only drugs.
I am at peace, right now, with myself, and with the universe, that is all.
You know I don’t like when you talk to me like that. Don’t you? No, no I don’t. I know, I know, I am sorry, please talk to me. Okay, what? How are you? I am getting better, I think, I am still crippled by loneliness, and want desperately for my life to change, but…
What’s your favorite word? I blend with night, I blend out of day, I blend so much I fade away. A way not away for place or path, where you will find a happy calf. I mean a cow, I mean my leg. I mean someone who lives on the dregs of society, where it…
Don’t you know you drive me crazy? Oh, so trite, so overused, so much like YOU. I am so sorry, that is rude, not so good at knowing what to say, or saying anything at all. So distorted, contorted, heaven sorted, or maybe Hell, oh, it’s just as well.
I knew you once, no that’s a lie, and now my dear, don’t start to cry, it is just a trick of human eye, that makes you constantly question why, life has to be so very hard, and quite frankly, it has left me scarred and scared, that what I mean to say, on this…
Creature of darkness, creature of light, creature of shade lit by fire at night, beautiful woman who sits with a hat, you are divine, with eyelashes that bat, with long flowing hair, and shape that’s divine, your beauty so great it blows my **** mind. I sit and listen, while you talk of your pain,…
I am not doing so hot, I am really lonely. Is that why you are writing to me? Insulted? Kind of. I would be too. I know because I am just writing to myself on the internet.
I hate your name, hate your face, want more distance, am dissed and want to untrace, the steps I have walked on a path that is winding, a miserable existence, that mind is entwined in. I want to get out, want to run away, thinking of you makes me want to remove my eyes from…
How do I do what comes natural? How do I answer while not good at the factual? I have a hard time relaxing. Life is taxing. SENSE How do you relax? I am a bird with legs and wings who is well-versed in the act of DE Nile I am a creature of Egypt, I…
That is all.
She was mean, she was green, she was envy She was callous, she was cruel, she cutting I was petty, I was mean, I was callous, I was cruel, I was heartless. There is no victim, only addicts fighting about who screwed who over more.
I am not sure if anyone needs to know that, but I like talking to the screen, better than muttering to myself and freaking out my family. Damien/Amanda
Where do you go when it’s dark? Do you go to the land of the stark And light stricken chaotic dimension of pain? Do you meditate on disdain? Do you cry of the life lived in vain? I did once too, I cried just like you. I walked with eyes shut, and mind off, and…
We always had terriers when I was growing up and I have a soft spot for this breed. This west highland terrier was enjoying the park as much as we were. A FINE DAY OUT — BELINDA GROVER PHOTOGRAPHY You keep me going, reminding me of things I love more than substances I hate. I want…
This means I actually deserve to pick up the scattered road kill, that is my soul, dust it off and put it back together. I can’t believe this… I thought I would have failed by now.
I am a reborn bird, not a phoenix but a heron. I have been reborn that way, due to the death of my I or eyes that previously only saw in blurry psycho vision inspired by drugs and only drugs.
I am at peace, right now, with myself, and with the universe, that is all.
You know I don’t like when you talk to me like that. Don’t you? No, no I don’t. I know, I know, I am sorry, please talk to me. Okay, what? How are you? I am getting better, I think, I am still crippled by loneliness, and want desperately for my life to change, but…
What’s your favorite word? I blend with night, I blend out of day, I blend so much I fade away. A way not away for place or path, where you will find a happy calf. I mean a cow, I mean my leg. I mean someone who lives on the dregs of society, where it…
Don’t you know you drive me crazy? Oh, so trite, so overused, so much like YOU. I am so sorry, that is rude, not so good at knowing what to say, or saying anything at all. So distorted, contorted, heaven sorted, or maybe Hell, oh, it’s just as well.
I knew you once, no that’s a lie, and now my dear, don’t start to cry, it is just a trick of human eye, that makes you constantly question why, life has to be so very hard, and quite frankly, it has left me scarred and scared, that what I mean to say, on this…
Creature of darkness, creature of light, creature of shade lit by fire at night, beautiful woman who sits with a hat, you are divine, with eyelashes that bat, with long flowing hair, and shape that’s divine, your beauty so great it blows my **** mind. I sit and listen, while you talk of your pain,…
I am not doing so hot, I am really lonely. Is that why you are writing to me? Insulted? Kind of. I would be too. I know because I am just writing to myself on the internet.
I hate your name, hate your face, want more distance, am dissed and want to untrace, the steps I have walked on a path that is winding, a miserable existence, that mind is entwined in. I want to get out, want to run away, thinking of you makes me want to remove my eyes from…
How do I do what comes natural? How do I answer while not good at the factual? I have a hard time relaxing. Life is taxing. SENSE How do you relax? I am a bird with legs and wings who is well-versed in the act of DE Nile I am a creature of Egypt, I…
Drop me a line…
Follow me:
Altered images of Rei Clearly, hope you see them clearly.
Die, bitch die
You have killer eye
But, you are the ultimate lie.
I did not ruin my live, just gave up control
Loveletter
.My job has always been hustler, do I enjoy hustling, yes. I am an addict other than talking, drinking, using, consuming, hustling is my favorite thing because it is a job of the most arrogant of arrogant incantation, addicted to human sensation, conniving, contriving, soul-despising, circular chasing, mind erasing lunatics that serve the beat of their own hearts and started to march that psycho speak drum and blame it on the recession when it is really I am so numb, I pretend the world is dumb and I am screwed.
Damien de Soto
Recovery art
by See Clearly
Joy Mocking Eye Poking Lie of Die or dye series, recoloring the dark for the addict with the colors of silly-hood or childhood.
Some highlights of other posts, since we’ve gone in a new direction.
I hope you enjoy your day, and feel free to come back to misery and joy reflections if you would like, we love you and your company.
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