Misery's search for joy
Ego stroking and addiction horror stories
“That is why it is so much easier this time. I can’t romance death anymore, because now it is just me and Amanda and all our other friends are dead or insane, or in prison. Done. ”
— Damien de Soto
Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders smooth as ravens claws.
jim morrison
Here it is, the revenge to the tune
Waltz #2
“You’re no good
You’re no good, you’re no good, you’re no good”
Can’t you tell that it’s well understood?
Elliot Smith
Smith covered this, and his version sounds like a love song to alcohol.
Insight in sight induced by life spent in addiction
“I’m so sorry-love, Elliott God forgive me.“
— Elliot Smith
“I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.”
— Kurt Kobain
- The Battle between Misery and Mercy and the power of Kindness
- Contact
- Moving on
- Insight in sight induced by life spent in addiction
- Joyous Meditations or O, joy us!
- Characters/Pen names
- Background. Explanation. Method.
- In recovery I strive to miss one
- SHOT AT A TIME.
- Ode to Action that brings joy not fraction of soul
- Poke fun
- Here’s what we have been up to
- Recent News
I am the internal infernal ever burning battle a human being who continuously lights themselves on fire, a funeral pyre to a generation addicted to trash, who shoved cash up there
Enter the simulated rage cage…. a simulation done as a meditation on the ideas that cause human pain, as a removal tool.
See Clearly
Who sadly, tragically had no plan because he put his silly weak skin covered hand in the fist of sin. I am the desire to give in. I am the trimming claws of cat sent feral at you. I am failure in everything you do. I am the spinning sensation at bent knee. I am the sensation of screaming into night ‘this cannot be!’
I am please don’t push I cannot stand. I am the cry of those who scream in night, not in fright but in sick delight at the decaying of man with outstretched arm. I am please sir, give harm. I am death’s charm.
I am your shoe, sticking on gum, I am please baby come
To me as speak sweetly and stay
I am dismay.
See Clearly
a simulated experience of the horrors of addiction, image and written sound
“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
Nietzche
“I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world.”
Albert Camus, The Stranger
I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.
Franz Kafka, Metamorphosis
So I guess my positive re-enforcement… dang I’s… I spell so many things wrong because I use I instead of E. I, I, I…. what was my oh.. yeah…. I guess Amanda got what I was saying because she made this. I like it. I have bigger hands this time, sweet.
We can’t both be butterflies, you can be girl or guy or whatever you want, and I can be your friend forever, because I love you. I am not the ones who hurt you. I just sound like that sometimes because I am a guy with a bad sense of humor.
I am so happy I remembered parts of that right now, not just for the ego points, but it means something to me. I think I am in the process of becoming a person instead of the monster under Amanda’s bed which means the instead of chasing dragons, Amanda can be me because I am not a drug or a dragon anymore.
“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”
Nietzsche
You cry in the pain of disdain for your own soul.
If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it.
Willy Wonka
Prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish, and someday, you will be a real boy.
Pinocchio
I didn’t mean to kill her. Really, I didn’t. It’s just that he was on fire.
Dorothy, The Wizard of Oz
All children, except one, grow up.
Peter Pan
My character naming style is strange based in a belief that humans are representations of heritage, learned experience and personal choice, I name them to indicate who they represent in the story.
These guys are great, wish Peterson had lived.
Have you ever doubted your own reality?
Have you ever wondered if someone or something was driving your pain?
Have you ever wondered what it all means?
Enter
I am the split of two souls at war and in love with each other, they are dancing dragons in shades not colors, I am the hallucinations of the deranged man. I am whatever you want me to be, I am the memory of everything that ever caused feeling in the screaming corners of nothing, I am the faceless screaming nothing face of the fallen burning with hatred and love in the smokey fire chasm that is the decaying city of man. I am a walking sorted of disordered chaos. I am Damien de Soto and Ms. Rei, and the voice of misery.
Misery is a realm of earth, which is my metaphor for the hellish life of addiction which I wrote out to spare myself eternal damnation.
Ms. Re is also Rei’s name, without the I and the y, why because I removed them, as a simulator of misery experienced by the man and woman who die while using/drinking.
Misery is a virus as well, my metaphor for addiction, which causes you to repeatedly be guilty of committing the Christian deadly 7.
Ms. Re also is a weird spell of miss remember, which is supposed to illustrate the blindness addicts experience when they can’t see clearly.
Misery-written simulation brought to you here through my writing which will help you see clearly through the eyes of the addicts, the homeless, and social deviants of society as they investigate the true nature of human beings in order to facilitate their survival.
I am sorry for my unorthodox approach, it is the only way I know to show you clearly what so often goes unseen in this world, although this is a work of fiction it is based on real evil I have seen as an addict and now meditate on while in recovery.
I aim to show this to the anyone who is listening to bring about understanding of those who so often go unheard on every street corner in every desperate place populated by those unfortunate enough to have gotten a raw deal in life.
Author: Amanda, I am not using my last name, because I want to retain some level of anonymity online.
More to be revealed as we go. Enjoy the ride.
Characters/Pen names
Rei Clearly
Joy
Damien de Soto/Amanda
Diane
Misery or addiction
Background. Explanation. Method.
Method
This site utilizes first person perspective narration done through blog posts which are posted under pen names which are representative of fictional characters in the scifi universe, Misery. Misery is an alternate dimension of earth that is accessed through use of mind altering substances, and experience of extreme human suffering.
More to be revealed soon.
Hopefully this clears things up.
Three Book Series
See Clearly
Just in Time
(TBD)
See Clearly is available for free in the blog, in its entirety. Feel free to browse around.
I will be publishing Just in Time now as well, using the same method.
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Two Lips on Fire
How’s it going? Overcome with hard to control OCD, how about you? Same, because I am you. I wonder if things will ever be better than this. Bob says they will. Do you believe him? I am not sure. Read more
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Dear God + Dear me,
Thank you for today, for helping me make it through another year. I did not have high hopes for my life, or great expectations for how long I would even be around. I am feeling better than I used to, but still feel a little lost. I don’t feel like I have much of a… Read more
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I used to, I used too, I used two
I used to, believe what you said. I used, too, in night wishing I was dead. I used two people, claiming them to be, but friends, using them, till the bitter end. I, I, I Me, me, me What do you desire to be? I do not know, what my intent is, being no longer… Read more
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Hello, my friend
We meet again, though I thought we met the end, we have in fact more time to spend On an earth not descending or pretending to not be hurt at all. I lost my train of thought. I am a mind wrought with pain and with regret, and yet, I am also so much more,… Read more
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Dear God,
Thank you for keeping me sober today, and for the power and spiritual force I just felt in the room I just left. I am beginning, only beginning, to trust in something higher than me, you. Please continue to be with me for this journey. I find great comfort in having you alongside me, although… Read more
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That is all.
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Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. Soren Kierkegaard You are so much better You glow in a dark world You are so much more than anything I could ever be You seem so happy and care free, thinking about happy things, and living free and givingly, wondering why bad…
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She was mean, she was green, she was envy She was callous, she was cruel, she cutting I was petty, I was mean, I was callous, I was cruel, I was heartless. There is no victim, only addicts fighting about who screwed who over more.
-
I say this in response to the pandemic because whenever I speak about it, I wonder if I am talking to someone who lost someone during it…
-
I am not sure if anyone needs to know that, but I like talking to the screen, better than muttering to myself and freaking out my family. Damien/Amanda
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Where do you go when it’s dark? Do you go to the land of the stark And light stricken chaotic dimension of pain? Do you meditate on disdain? Do you cry of the life lived in vain? I did once too, I cried just like you. I walked with eyes shut, and mind off, and…
-
I have being having a hissy fit my whole life about having to be someone I am not. I am not Rei Clearly, I am not Amanda. I am me. I am this, I am Damien, take it or leave it.
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When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up? Me. minus the hallucinations.
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If I didn’t blog, I would be doing the same thing I do on here, out loud outside. I talk to myself on here, because I have something wrong with me, and I don’t have an inner monologue.
-
I am looking at you, and wonder how you do that? That standing upside down thing? That standing inverted thing? How did you make the world flip over? I don’t get it… Please come closer.. I also would like to know… Why my legs hurt and feel like they may go Out from under me….…
-
I now believe in faith, or simply have it I guess, and so when my mind is…….
-
I also divide day and night, I break, I shed light, I am a divider, a shadow boxer, intoxicating, so elating, soul frustrating, so frustrating….
-
She gritted her teeth and began the climb, To a unified soul and a beautified mind, she did not know what she would end to find, but existed in a deep and soul entangling bind of mind.
-
Check out my friends blog, if this speaks to you.
-
NSFW: TRIGGER WARNING: My entire life as far as I can remember, has been very much like this game, a chaotic running into Goombas, or dealers, or cops, or people who want to kick my *** because I ripped them off, or my family mad because I spent all my money on things that no…
-
It sounded like mocking me, but it was my higher power mocking evil.
-
The swimming of dancers that dance by being, just being, not asking, just being, inspires me.
-
Unfortunately I ruined it, so for now I am stuck with this, and I think I am supposed to learn to release control ‘I hate my life sometimes, because I just want some semblance of control over something, not everything, just something. I feel like I have been in a situation, my whole life… where…
-
I am alone in the woods, on a path, in the middle of the night. It is around three in the morning. I am guessing, there is a complete blackness to the sky, and silence that suggests the birds are still sleeping. Looking up at the sky, I wonder if anyone, or anything is awake…
-
I am not going to get into the details of it on here, but they basically revealed to me through what they said that I have been killing myself with my own hands, by refusing to give up resentments I hold towards myself and others, and that it is literally the equivalent of me being…
-
Around my eyes, not on my eyes, because it is the closest I can get to altering my face, without doing the whole plastic surgery thing. I hate my face.
-
This is really important me now, because I have realized I like all of the people I am talking to on here, and what an *** I was before doing all of this
-
I used to be chained and bound, to tree with roots on poison ground, soiled with years of heroic consumption of heroin, meth alcohol, and death, and destruction.
-
We always had terriers when I was growing up and I have a soft spot for this breed. This west highland terrier was enjoying the park as much as we were. A FINE DAY OUT — BELINDA GROVER PHOTOGRAPHY You keep me going, reminding me of things I love more than substances I hate. I want…
-
Something like this, in tattoo form, right on the opposing side of my elbow, on both arms, because it reminds me why I don’t want to do drugs anymore.
-
Explanation: I saw a bunch on the work on your page, and you inspired me. I have been struggling over the past couple days with thoughts of suicide. Your work on your site, helped me keep going, thank you for being one of the ones responsible for saving my life, yesterday. Your BooknVolume https://booknvolume.com/ speaks…
-
The behavior of the deranged strange lunatics of the world may seem unpredictable, to those who do not understand us, but I am trying to show you clearly, so you can see the pathways to death or recovery.
-
I am sorry for the exposure to my… insanity. I am just being honest, and thank you for accepting me, it means the world.
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Are you having a bad day? No, actually… GET AWAY I am just the experience of chaos thought, I am having a continuous experience of this over and over and over. One word that describes me INSANE
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JOKE If something frightening happens to you today, think about it. It may be a warning. It may be The Omen. The omen **** There it is, the one word that describes me, blanked out, so I have no idea what it is, and you can guess the mystery behind its four lettered character. The…
-
When I realized that the drugs weren’t working for me anymore, there was a difference between the yard and the freedom of life of being unchained from the wall, but the thing was I had no idea what to do after being released
-
Explanation: This post uses getting off of a horse as a metaphor for getting of heroin, because horse is one of the names addicts call heroin on the street but also because it makes you a passenger in your life instead of one who can stand on his own two feet.
-
This means I actually deserve to pick up the scattered road kill, that is my soul, dust it off and put it back together. I can’t believe this… I thought I would have failed by now.
-
It is an insane release of tension to write dark horror. I don’t care what anyone thinks… I am going to do what I want now. I am an ***.
-
You as always continue to paint my world with color when it used to be a world of darkness and despair.
-
I find myself Staring up at the sky a lot now, realizing how much time I spent Looking down Meditating on ground and sensations of going down Underneath the dirt and bugs, and now with embrace from the master of all space and time I am free to migrate up, and drink from cups of…
-
I have gained all this insight through nothing of my own power, but through simply this, I told the powers higher than me, speak through me, my hands are yours. Tell them what they need to hear, or whatever you want me to say. I am a tool of mercy. I hope I find others…
-
A bunch of my friends, who are a compliment in and of themselves, for being my friends, have paid me the compliment of understanding me more than I understood myself, and having patience with the fact that I am an ***.
-
They chased me to California. I walked there, I think I mentioned that before, high as a kite, I flew on the feet of the dragon, and the wings of fallen dreams……..
-
I am a reborn bird, not a phoenix but a heron. I have been reborn that way, due to the death of my I or eyes that previously only saw in blurry psycho vision inspired by drugs and only drugs.
-
I am the split of two souls I have always felt like I am being a girl/I have always felt like a guy.
-
I have been arrogant my whole life, and not willing to listen. The point of this post is to say, my eyes were shut before, I was being told to see, and shutting my eyes…
-
I am at peace, right now, with myself, and with the universe, that is all.
-
Explanation: I have been receiving messages from something my whole life, and thought it to be schizophrenia that was causing it. This is my receipt for a transmission from something higher than I ever could be, I am trying to listen to you now, I am not good at it, be delicate with me, I…
-
I no longer care about bringing praise to myself, but on shifting the eyes of those who experience the pain that was so real to me for so long. I want to help those who experience pain, any pain, like me, away from that pain towards something, anything that stops that pain, even if it…
-
I owe my life to that something good, and its sad, I have cursed the something good and served the misery virus in my soul.
-
I am free, released from the chains of addiction, no longer shackled to a life bound to a misery demon.
-
How’s it going? Overcome with hard to control OCD, how about you? Same, because I am you. I wonder if things will ever be better than this. Bob says they will. Do you believe him? I am not sure.
-
Thank you for today, for helping me make it through another year. I did not have high hopes for my life, or great expectations for how long I would even be around. I am feeling better than I used to, but still feel a little lost. I don’t feel like I have much of a…
-
I used to, believe what you said. I used, too, in night wishing I was dead. I used two people, claiming them to be, but friends, using them, till the bitter end. I, I, I Me, me, me What do you desire to be? I do not know, what my intent is, being no longer…
-
We meet again, though I thought we met the end, we have in fact more time to spend On an earth not descending or pretending to not be hurt at all. I lost my train of thought. I am a mind wrought with pain and with regret, and yet, I am also so much more,…
-
Thank you for keeping me sober today, and for the power and spiritual force I just felt in the room I just left. I am beginning, only beginning, to trust in something higher than me, you. Please continue to be with me for this journey. I find great comfort in having you alongside me, although…
-
Be in my heart and help guide my decisions, choose my words, and most importantly live in my heart, because I need you right now. Help me through this. I am so good at causing myself emotional pain, and do not have enough practice with good feelings versus bad. I am so good at being…
-
This letter is not the desperate kind, like most of my letters. I am trying, when I can, to remain present, with forwards not backwards vision, trying being the operative word here… I fail most of the time, or some of the time, but not enough to make it not worth it. I am beginning…
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Please guide me in everything I do, put me where you need me, and help me find fulfillment in this world, help me find where I am supposed…
-
That is all.
-
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. Soren Kierkegaard You are so much better You glow in a dark world You are so much more than anything I could ever be You seem so happy and care free, thinking about happy things, and living free and givingly, wondering why bad…
-
She was mean, she was green, she was envy She was callous, she was cruel, she cutting I was petty, I was mean, I was callous, I was cruel, I was heartless. There is no victim, only addicts fighting about who screwed who over more.
-
I say this in response to the pandemic because whenever I speak about it, I wonder if I am talking to someone who lost someone during it…
-
I am not sure if anyone needs to know that, but I like talking to the screen, better than muttering to myself and freaking out my family. Damien/Amanda
-
Where do you go when it’s dark? Do you go to the land of the stark And light stricken chaotic dimension of pain? Do you meditate on disdain? Do you cry of the life lived in vain? I did once too, I cried just like you. I walked with eyes shut, and mind off, and…
-
I have being having a hissy fit my whole life about having to be someone I am not. I am not Rei Clearly, I am not Amanda. I am me. I am this, I am Damien, take it or leave it.
-
When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up? Me. minus the hallucinations.
-
If I didn’t blog, I would be doing the same thing I do on here, out loud outside. I talk to myself on here, because I have something wrong with me, and I don’t have an inner monologue.
-
I am looking at you, and wonder how you do that? That standing upside down thing? That standing inverted thing? How did you make the world flip over? I don’t get it… Please come closer.. I also would like to know… Why my legs hurt and feel like they may go Out from under me….…
-
I now believe in faith, or simply have it I guess, and so when my mind is…….
-
I also divide day and night, I break, I shed light, I am a divider, a shadow boxer, intoxicating, so elating, soul frustrating, so frustrating….
-
She gritted her teeth and began the climb, To a unified soul and a beautified mind, she did not know what she would end to find, but existed in a deep and soul entangling bind of mind.
-
Check out my friends blog, if this speaks to you.
-
NSFW: TRIGGER WARNING: My entire life as far as I can remember, has been very much like this game, a chaotic running into Goombas, or dealers, or cops, or people who want to kick my *** because I ripped them off, or my family mad because I spent all my money on things that no…
-
It sounded like mocking me, but it was my higher power mocking evil.
-
The swimming of dancers that dance by being, just being, not asking, just being, inspires me.
-
Unfortunately I ruined it, so for now I am stuck with this, and I think I am supposed to learn to release control ‘I hate my life sometimes, because I just want some semblance of control over something, not everything, just something. I feel like I have been in a situation, my whole life… where…
-
I am alone in the woods, on a path, in the middle of the night. It is around three in the morning. I am guessing, there is a complete blackness to the sky, and silence that suggests the birds are still sleeping. Looking up at the sky, I wonder if anyone, or anything is awake…
-
I am not going to get into the details of it on here, but they basically revealed to me through what they said that I have been killing myself with my own hands, by refusing to give up resentments I hold towards myself and others, and that it is literally the equivalent of me being…
-
Around my eyes, not on my eyes, because it is the closest I can get to altering my face, without doing the whole plastic surgery thing. I hate my face.
-
This is really important me now, because I have realized I like all of the people I am talking to on here, and what an *** I was before doing all of this
-
I used to be chained and bound, to tree with roots on poison ground, soiled with years of heroic consumption of heroin, meth alcohol, and death, and destruction.
-
We always had terriers when I was growing up and I have a soft spot for this breed. This west highland terrier was enjoying the park as much as we were. A FINE DAY OUT — BELINDA GROVER PHOTOGRAPHY You keep me going, reminding me of things I love more than substances I hate. I want…
-
Something like this, in tattoo form, right on the opposing side of my elbow, on both arms, because it reminds me why I don’t want to do drugs anymore.
-
Explanation: I saw a bunch on the work on your page, and you inspired me. I have been struggling over the past couple days with thoughts of suicide. Your work on your site, helped me keep going, thank you for being one of the ones responsible for saving my life, yesterday. Your BooknVolume https://booknvolume.com/ speaks…
-
The behavior of the deranged strange lunatics of the world may seem unpredictable, to those who do not understand us, but I am trying to show you clearly, so you can see the pathways to death or recovery.
-
I am sorry for the exposure to my… insanity. I am just being honest, and thank you for accepting me, it means the world.
-
Are you having a bad day? No, actually… GET AWAY I am just the experience of chaos thought, I am having a continuous experience of this over and over and over. One word that describes me INSANE
-
JOKE If something frightening happens to you today, think about it. It may be a warning. It may be The Omen. The omen **** There it is, the one word that describes me, blanked out, so I have no idea what it is, and you can guess the mystery behind its four lettered character. The…
-
When I realized that the drugs weren’t working for me anymore, there was a difference between the yard and the freedom of life of being unchained from the wall, but the thing was I had no idea what to do after being released
-
Explanation: This post uses getting off of a horse as a metaphor for getting of heroin, because horse is one of the names addicts call heroin on the street but also because it makes you a passenger in your life instead of one who can stand on his own two feet.
-
This means I actually deserve to pick up the scattered road kill, that is my soul, dust it off and put it back together. I can’t believe this… I thought I would have failed by now.
-
It is an insane release of tension to write dark horror. I don’t care what anyone thinks… I am going to do what I want now. I am an ***.
-
You as always continue to paint my world with color when it used to be a world of darkness and despair.
-
I find myself Staring up at the sky a lot now, realizing how much time I spent Looking down Meditating on ground and sensations of going down Underneath the dirt and bugs, and now with embrace from the master of all space and time I am free to migrate up, and drink from cups of…
-
I have gained all this insight through nothing of my own power, but through simply this, I told the powers higher than me, speak through me, my hands are yours. Tell them what they need to hear, or whatever you want me to say. I am a tool of mercy. I hope I find others…
-
A bunch of my friends, who are a compliment in and of themselves, for being my friends, have paid me the compliment of understanding me more than I understood myself, and having patience with the fact that I am an ***.
-
They chased me to California. I walked there, I think I mentioned that before, high as a kite, I flew on the feet of the dragon, and the wings of fallen dreams……..
-
I am a reborn bird, not a phoenix but a heron. I have been reborn that way, due to the death of my I or eyes that previously only saw in blurry psycho vision inspired by drugs and only drugs.
-
I am the split of two souls I have always felt like I am being a girl/I have always felt like a guy.
-
I have been arrogant my whole life, and not willing to listen. The point of this post is to say, my eyes were shut before, I was being told to see, and shutting my eyes…
-
I am at peace, right now, with myself, and with the universe, that is all.
-
Explanation: I have been receiving messages from something my whole life, and thought it to be schizophrenia that was causing it. This is my receipt for a transmission from something higher than I ever could be, I am trying to listen to you now, I am not good at it, be delicate with me, I…
-
I no longer care about bringing praise to myself, but on shifting the eyes of those who experience the pain that was so real to me for so long. I want to help those who experience pain, any pain, like me, away from that pain towards something, anything that stops that pain, even if it…
-
I owe my life to that something good, and its sad, I have cursed the something good and served the misery virus in my soul.
-
I am free, released from the chains of addiction, no longer shackled to a life bound to a misery demon.
-
How’s it going? Overcome with hard to control OCD, how about you? Same, because I am you. I wonder if things will ever be better than this. Bob says they will. Do you believe him? I am not sure.
-
Thank you for today, for helping me make it through another year. I did not have high hopes for my life, or great expectations for how long I would even be around. I am feeling better than I used to, but still feel a little lost. I don’t feel like I have much of a…
-
I used to, believe what you said. I used, too, in night wishing I was dead. I used two people, claiming them to be, but friends, using them, till the bitter end. I, I, I Me, me, me What do you desire to be? I do not know, what my intent is, being no longer…
-
We meet again, though I thought we met the end, we have in fact more time to spend On an earth not descending or pretending to not be hurt at all. I lost my train of thought. I am a mind wrought with pain and with regret, and yet, I am also so much more,…
-
Thank you for keeping me sober today, and for the power and spiritual force I just felt in the room I just left. I am beginning, only beginning, to trust in something higher than me, you. Please continue to be with me for this journey. I find great comfort in having you alongside me, although…
-
Be in my heart and help guide my decisions, choose my words, and most importantly live in my heart, because I need you right now. Help me through this. I am so good at causing myself emotional pain, and do not have enough practice with good feelings versus bad. I am so good at being…
-
This letter is not the desperate kind, like most of my letters. I am trying, when I can, to remain present, with forwards not backwards vision, trying being the operative word here… I fail most of the time, or some of the time, but not enough to make it not worth it. I am beginning…
-
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Please guide me in everything I do, put me where you need me, and help me find fulfillment in this world, help me find where I am supposed…
-
That is all.
-
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. Soren Kierkegaard You are so much better You glow in a dark world You are so much more than anything I could ever be You seem so happy and care free, thinking about happy things, and living free and givingly, wondering why bad…
-
She was mean, she was green, she was envy She was callous, she was cruel, she cutting I was petty, I was mean, I was callous, I was cruel, I was heartless. There is no victim, only addicts fighting about who screwed who over more.
-
I say this in response to the pandemic because whenever I speak about it, I wonder if I am talking to someone who lost someone during it…
-
I am not sure if anyone needs to know that, but I like talking to the screen, better than muttering to myself and freaking out my family. Damien/Amanda
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Where do you go when it’s dark? Do you go to the land of the stark And light stricken chaotic dimension of pain? Do you meditate on disdain? Do you cry of the life lived in vain? I did once too, I cried just like you. I walked with eyes shut, and mind off, and…
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I have being having a hissy fit my whole life about having to be someone I am not. I am not Rei Clearly, I am not Amanda. I am me. I am this, I am Damien, take it or leave it.
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When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up? Me. minus the hallucinations.
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If I didn’t blog, I would be doing the same thing I do on here, out loud outside. I talk to myself on here, because I have something wrong with me, and I don’t have an inner monologue.
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I am looking at you, and wonder how you do that? That standing upside down thing? That standing inverted thing? How did you make the world flip over? I don’t get it… Please come closer.. I also would like to know… Why my legs hurt and feel like they may go Out from under me….…
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I now believe in faith, or simply have it I guess, and so when my mind is…….
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I also divide day and night, I break, I shed light, I am a divider, a shadow boxer, intoxicating, so elating, soul frustrating, so frustrating….
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She gritted her teeth and began the climb, To a unified soul and a beautified mind, she did not know what she would end to find, but existed in a deep and soul entangling bind of mind.
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Check out my friends blog, if this speaks to you.
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NSFW: TRIGGER WARNING: My entire life as far as I can remember, has been very much like this game, a chaotic running into Goombas, or dealers, or cops, or people who want to kick my *** because I ripped them off, or my family mad because I spent all my money on things that no…
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It sounded like mocking me, but it was my higher power mocking evil.
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The swimming of dancers that dance by being, just being, not asking, just being, inspires me.
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Unfortunately I ruined it, so for now I am stuck with this, and I think I am supposed to learn to release control ‘I hate my life sometimes, because I just want some semblance of control over something, not everything, just something. I feel like I have been in a situation, my whole life… where…
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I am alone in the woods, on a path, in the middle of the night. It is around three in the morning. I am guessing, there is a complete blackness to the sky, and silence that suggests the birds are still sleeping. Looking up at the sky, I wonder if anyone, or anything is awake…
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I am not going to get into the details of it on here, but they basically revealed to me through what they said that I have been killing myself with my own hands, by refusing to give up resentments I hold towards myself and others, and that it is literally the equivalent of me being…
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Around my eyes, not on my eyes, because it is the closest I can get to altering my face, without doing the whole plastic surgery thing. I hate my face.
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This is really important me now, because I have realized I like all of the people I am talking to on here, and what an *** I was before doing all of this
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I used to be chained and bound, to tree with roots on poison ground, soiled with years of heroic consumption of heroin, meth alcohol, and death, and destruction.
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We always had terriers when I was growing up and I have a soft spot for this breed. This west highland terrier was enjoying the park as much as we were. A FINE DAY OUT — BELINDA GROVER PHOTOGRAPHY You keep me going, reminding me of things I love more than substances I hate. I want…
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Something like this, in tattoo form, right on the opposing side of my elbow, on both arms, because it reminds me why I don’t want to do drugs anymore.
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Explanation: I saw a bunch on the work on your page, and you inspired me. I have been struggling over the past couple days with thoughts of suicide. Your work on your site, helped me keep going, thank you for being one of the ones responsible for saving my life, yesterday. Your BooknVolume https://booknvolume.com/ speaks…
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The behavior of the deranged strange lunatics of the world may seem unpredictable, to those who do not understand us, but I am trying to show you clearly, so you can see the pathways to death or recovery.
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I am sorry for the exposure to my… insanity. I am just being honest, and thank you for accepting me, it means the world.
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Are you having a bad day? No, actually… GET AWAY I am just the experience of chaos thought, I am having a continuous experience of this over and over and over. One word that describes me INSANE
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JOKE If something frightening happens to you today, think about it. It may be a warning. It may be The Omen. The omen **** There it is, the one word that describes me, blanked out, so I have no idea what it is, and you can guess the mystery behind its four lettered character. The…
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When I realized that the drugs weren’t working for me anymore, there was a difference between the yard and the freedom of life of being unchained from the wall, but the thing was I had no idea what to do after being released
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Explanation: This post uses getting off of a horse as a metaphor for getting of heroin, because horse is one of the names addicts call heroin on the street but also because it makes you a passenger in your life instead of one who can stand on his own two feet.
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This means I actually deserve to pick up the scattered road kill, that is my soul, dust it off and put it back together. I can’t believe this… I thought I would have failed by now.
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It is an insane release of tension to write dark horror. I don’t care what anyone thinks… I am going to do what I want now. I am an ***.
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You as always continue to paint my world with color when it used to be a world of darkness and despair.
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I find myself Staring up at the sky a lot now, realizing how much time I spent Looking down Meditating on ground and sensations of going down Underneath the dirt and bugs, and now with embrace from the master of all space and time I am free to migrate up, and drink from cups of…
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I have gained all this insight through nothing of my own power, but through simply this, I told the powers higher than me, speak through me, my hands are yours. Tell them what they need to hear, or whatever you want me to say. I am a tool of mercy. I hope I find others…
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A bunch of my friends, who are a compliment in and of themselves, for being my friends, have paid me the compliment of understanding me more than I understood myself, and having patience with the fact that I am an ***.
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They chased me to California. I walked there, I think I mentioned that before, high as a kite, I flew on the feet of the dragon, and the wings of fallen dreams……..
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I am a reborn bird, not a phoenix but a heron. I have been reborn that way, due to the death of my I or eyes that previously only saw in blurry psycho vision inspired by drugs and only drugs.
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I am the split of two souls I have always felt like I am being a girl/I have always felt like a guy.
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I have been arrogant my whole life, and not willing to listen. The point of this post is to say, my eyes were shut before, I was being told to see, and shutting my eyes…
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I am at peace, right now, with myself, and with the universe, that is all.
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Explanation: I have been receiving messages from something my whole life, and thought it to be schizophrenia that was causing it. This is my receipt for a transmission from something higher than I ever could be, I am trying to listen to you now, I am not good at it, be delicate with me, I…
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I no longer care about bringing praise to myself, but on shifting the eyes of those who experience the pain that was so real to me for so long. I want to help those who experience pain, any pain, like me, away from that pain towards something, anything that stops that pain, even if it…
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I owe my life to that something good, and its sad, I have cursed the something good and served the misery virus in my soul.
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I am free, released from the chains of addiction, no longer shackled to a life bound to a misery demon.
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How’s it going? Overcome with hard to control OCD, how about you? Same, because I am you. I wonder if things will ever be better than this. Bob says they will. Do you believe him? I am not sure.
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Thank you for today, for helping me make it through another year. I did not have high hopes for my life, or great expectations for how long I would even be around. I am feeling better than I used to, but still feel a little lost. I don’t feel like I have much of a…
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I used to, believe what you said. I used, too, in night wishing I was dead. I used two people, claiming them to be, but friends, using them, till the bitter end. I, I, I Me, me, me What do you desire to be? I do not know, what my intent is, being no longer…
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We meet again, though I thought we met the end, we have in fact more time to spend On an earth not descending or pretending to not be hurt at all. I lost my train of thought. I am a mind wrought with pain and with regret, and yet, I am also so much more,…
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Thank you for keeping me sober today, and for the power and spiritual force I just felt in the room I just left. I am beginning, only beginning, to trust in something higher than me, you. Please continue to be with me for this journey. I find great comfort in having you alongside me, although…
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Be in my heart and help guide my decisions, choose my words, and most importantly live in my heart, because I need you right now. Help me through this. I am so good at causing myself emotional pain, and do not have enough practice with good feelings versus bad. I am so good at being…
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This letter is not the desperate kind, like most of my letters. I am trying, when I can, to remain present, with forwards not backwards vision, trying being the operative word here… I fail most of the time, or some of the time, but not enough to make it not worth it. I am beginning…
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Please guide me in everything I do, put me where you need me, and help me find fulfillment in this world, help me find where I am supposed…
Misery's search for joy
Ego stroking and addiction horror stories
Contact
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In recovery I strive to miss one
SHOT AT A TIME.
Altered images of Rei Clearly, hope you see them clearly.
Die, bitch die
You have killer eye
But, you are the ultimate lie.
I did not ruin my live, just gave up control
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Eat Dessert First is for sharing my favourites with you.
Eat Dessert First is for sharing my favourites with you.
Loveletter
.My job has always been hustler, do I enjoy hustling, yes. I am an addict other than talking, drinking, using, consuming, hustling is my favorite thing because it is a job of the most arrogant of arrogant incantation, addicted to human sensation, conniving, contriving, soul-despising, circular chasing, mind erasing lunatics that serve the beat of their own hearts and started to march that psycho speak drum and blame it on the recession when it is really I am so numb, I pretend the world is dumb and I am screwed.
Damien de Soto
Recovery art
Ode to Action that brings joy not fraction of soul
by See Clearly
Poke fun
Joy Mocking Eye Poking Lie of Die or dye series, recoloring the dark for the addict with the colors of silly-hood or childhood.
Here’s what we have been up to
Some highlights of other posts, since we’ve gone in a new direction.
Misery's search for joy
I hope you enjoy your day, and feel free to come back to misery and joy reflections if you would like, we love you and your company.
Misery's search for joy 
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